To the man on the other side of the universe

I remember when I was as young as a kitten, I always wanted to be with you. Every summer vacation, I visited and stayed with you. You never missed my birthday. You always came and brought my birthday cake. And because of that, you always made my special day, COMPLETE! But people are all destined to grow up and eventually grow old. And as I was growing up, I became less concerned with the things and people around me. I became so focused with the new things coming my way and meeting new people that would be a part of my whole adolescence world. Things changed and I started not to visit you anymore during summer vacations. I chose to stay and continue growing up for reason I do not know. Maybe I was too selfish and I didn’t care a lot. Or maybe I was just too eager to learn and discover things that made me curious. Years have passed and I realized how great I’ve changed. I think and act maturely. I accept things, whether positive or negative, politely. Because that’s the way matured people do it. I’ve learned but I still never looked back until the day you got sick.

I never thought it was a serious one that it took your life very fast. 5 short months you shuttered and went back to God. I never had the chance to talk to you the same childhood way before you left. Those 5 months all I did was to run away from you. I tried to avoid seeing you. That’s the truth. I never wanted to see you even though I knew to my heart you wanted to see me every single day of your battle. I never thought visiting you would be very tough. I never wanted to visit you because I didn’t want to see you that way. Seeing your build slowly deteriorating because of your illness simply sucks! I hate how every time I see you, I also see the changes that your illness was causing. I hate how you lost your weight. I hate how you lost your eyesight. I hate how you slowly lost your memory. I hate how your skin turned yellowish. I hate how you became so weak that you needed assistance for every single move of your body. I hate seeing you suffer so much from the pain. I hate almost everything that had happened to you because of your illness! But that was God’s plan and I swear, I had accepted it with all my heart.

All these years, since you’ve been gone, I’ve been carrying the guilt of not spending so much time with you when you were battling with your illness. For not making the most out of your last days. I feel so guilty for being so weak, for not being brave enough to face the truth. For being so in denial about your illness. For having this  thing on mind that you would make it even though I’ve seen your body slowly giving up. All those years, I’ve been thinking what might have been and what could have been.

I’ve been keeping all of this inside me all these years. I didn’t know how to express this whole thing. Every time I try, I find myself struggling for words. I didn’t know how and where to start until I realized something. You’ve been visiting me in my dreams lately. I first thought it was your way of greeting me because I graduated from college just recently. But no, it wasn’t just a greeting. And that is why I decided to write  this whole thing. I want you to know how sorry I am.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I took you for granted. I’m sorry I wasn’t brave. I’m sorry I didn’t take care of you. I’m sorry I didn’t show and make you feel how much I love you before you left. I’m sorry I avoided you. I’m sorry I tried to escape. I’m sorry I was so selfish. I’m sorry I was so busy growing up that I had forgotten you were growing old. I really really am sorry. If I could just turn back time. God knows how much I miss and love you! I know you’ve been listening to my heart say all of these. Thank you. Thanks to you and to God for helping me express this. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for the love. Thank you for everything. I love you so much and I miss you! till we meet again, lolo tony!